Depression is a funny thing. Not funny like a great joke, but funny like hitting your elbow on a counter-top. Many times, it seems like we don't even realize that what we feel is abnormal. But once we reach an understanding of sorts, then things can change. This is my story.
In 2009, I was a freshman in high school. Things were awesome, and despite getting sick quite often, I was pretty happy. At least, that's what I thought.
In November, my family was going to go to Disneyland. I was so excited, but I was also concerned about my schoolwork. I didn't think I was that concerned. Then, one night, I fell apart. Life fell apart.
I've always had anxiety. Ever since first grade I've dealt with clinical anxiety. This was different. I knew, I knew I didn't want to do anything, but the thoughts came. The suicidal thoughts. I was scared. Terrified. I knew I didn't want to, but I was scared that I would anyway.
The next day, my parents took me to my doctor. I was quickly admitted to the UNMH Children's Psychiatric Hospital. I spent about two weeks there. While I was there, I struggled with the thoughts. I struggled with other thoughts, ones of hurting others. I hated the thoughts.
But it wasn't all darkness and bitterness. You see, at the Hospital, you get to live in 'cabins' with other children around your age, all with a multitude of problems. You're not alone. The folks who work there are incredible, and they strengthened me. They say to not get too involved with the other patients, but you end up making friends anyway. Oscar, Aaron... these are names I remember. Patients who, like me, needed help. And together we boosted each other, making a little sunlight break through the clouds. There were art and music therapy classes. That's where I discovered the ukulele. There was a school, and that was nice, though I never found any homework from my high school. There was a psychologist, and while she didn't know my situation and my family life (which led to bad feelings between us), she was all right. The psychiatrist kept track of changes and medicines.
That wasn't even the best part. While some would think depression is a curse, I see it as one of the great blessings in my life. It caused me to be able to draw closer to my God, to my Heavenly Father. I read scriptures when I woke up. I often read when I couldn't sleep (which was every night). I was able to come closer to my faith and to my Heavenly Father than I would have on my own. And so, to me, depression is what I have to thank for that increased relationship with my Father in Heaven.
I left the Hospital in the middle of November, but in January I had to return. Thoughts overwhelmed me again, and so I returned. And when I left the Hospital the second time, I left for good. I had tools to help me, I had parents who supported me, I had friends in the Hospital who stood with me and asked for my help, and I had my Father in Heaven, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost to stand by me as well.
It's been a tumultuous five years. I left high school that January, in 2010. I returned to high school, this one an online charter school, in 2012. I left again in November of 2013 because I was ill and my depression was worse. I received my General Education Diploma in December of 2013. I decided to go to a physical college in March of this year. I decided on Brigham Young University and a Biology major. I finally, through my own initiative, began exercising and eating more healthily. I'm preparing to serve a church service mission, and I'm preparing to receive the Melchizedek Priesthood.
Yes, I'm on a general uphill slope, but I've fallen before. Chances are I'll fall again, but I hope that those falls are not so steep or treacherous. That's part of life. What matters is how I move from the falls. If I can stay up, never giving in, I can call myself successful.
If you're struggling with depression, suicidal thoughts, or any other thoughts or trials, know this: your Father in Heaven, who is God, loves you. He will buoy you up when the waves of life threaten to swamp your raft. His Son died for you, so that you can be comforted and leave sin and bad habits behind. His Son was resurrected so that you can be resurrected as well. Once you are resurrected, these follies and shortcomings that we deal with will be erased. Your depression will be non-existent. Endure these trials well. Know that you can overcome them, for God does not try you above your strength. Please believe what I have to say. It is hard for me, but I know that the reward that awaits if we endure our trials well will far outweigh the trials themselves. The scope of our trials will be insignificant with the scope of the reward.
I know this to be true. I have seen too much, heard too much, and felt too much for it to not be true. I hope that you, through my words, can gain a little extra strength and power every week. Thank you for standing tall, and thank you for taking the time to read my story. Please share it if you feel so inclined.
I look forward to posting every week, and I look forward to eating the chocolate bar in a box next to me. Have a wonderful week, my friends!
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